What To Live For
by Lady Priscilla Violet Regina
Summary: Rated for language and gross stuff...*sticks out tongue* Pretty gory. Heero can't understand how he feels about Relena, and the problems that these feelings cause. Has a bit of a spiritual side to it, which surprised even me! Takes place during the war, r


What To Live For

By: Pris/Jen-chan

Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine, but the story is! Take it and you'll have to suffer the consequences of a very stressed out, pissed off, tired girl on a caffeine high with a Katana. *smirks* 

Warnings: Very gory, and had pretty bad language. I normally don't have language like this in my fics, but it fits with Heero's POV. Also has a spiritual side to it, somewhat.

What is this feeling I have? Why is it that whenever I see this...this girl...my heart beats faster, my world spins...

This is not expected, not within mission parameters. This is not acceptable, she's too much of a distraction.

A distraction? Since when is Relena a distraction? Since when is ANY girl a distraction, something that affects the outcome of my mission...

Why can't I control my feelings for her? I should be able to block them completely, ignore her beautiful body, supple skin, pert--

Why am I distracted by physical features of an annoying female who shows up at the most inopportune times? Not only that, but why does she show up at these times? Doesn't she know how much she distracts me? Can't she tell that my mission always gets ignored when she's around?

She is an obstacle which I must overcome. She prevents my mission from being successful, she is the enemy.

"Relena..."

~*~

Heero Yuy paced the small room in the safe house he was living in, eyebrows furrowing as his thoughts dwelled on the newly elected Queen of the World.

Clearly annoyed at himself and angered at Relena's ability to affect him so much, he turned quickly and punched a wall, making a huge hole in the wood until he hit concrete, busting open his knuckles and splitting his index finger right to the end as he hit a nail, staining the wall with his crimson life force. Blood ran down his arm as it fell to his side, going numb with pain. He made no move to fix it, and his fingers hung oddly, most of them broken or disjointed.

Duo Maxwell, his current roommate, came rushing in, eyes wide and a worried look on his face. "Whoa, Heero, what's wrong? It sounded like someone just slammed a truck into a brick wall!" He looked down, hearing the dripping of liquid on the wood floor, and gasped, seeing the lifeless hand grow whiter and whiter as the blood drained from it. "Heero! Are you okay? We have to fix that! Here, let me get the first aid kit, and I'll call Quatre, he knows how to fix these--"

"I'm fine."

Duo watched in amazement as the boy left the room to his own, leaving a trail of blood in his wake. "But...Heero..."

~*~

"Argh!" Heero yelled, tightening his good fist as he slammed the door shut with his half numb arm. 'That stupid girl causes too many problems!' Grabbing his uniform sewing kit, he threaded a needle with some tough black thread and laid his hand on the table in the corner, spreading out his fingers as much as possible. By now, the numbness had faded and he was in the first stages of pain. Throbbing and stinging. He licked the needle and placed it on one side of the cut in his index finger, tip pressing uncomfortably against the skin as he braced himself. Applying more pressure, he hissed as the sharp point penetrated the skin, bursting capillaries and drawing more blood as he started stitching his finger back together. The blood pouring from his knuckles had slowed down to a quiet trickle as it started to clot, making his job a tiny bit cleaner. His pale skin was stained a dark brown-red color, reaching all the way to his wrist, with a few thick lines running to his elbow.

Finishing the stitching, he smiled grimly at the job he did of sewing his finger back together. "Not bad for someone who has never sewn in his life..." he commented, throwing away the now red needle and reaching for some alcohol pads. Clenching his teeth, he started to clean away the blood stains, then moved on to his scabbing knuckles, moistening them and thickening the blood flow once again. He reached for a long cloth nearby and started wrapping it around his knuckles, hoping to stop further blood loss. Pausing, he narrowed his eyes, analyzing the cloth he was using.

It was one of Relena's scarves.

She had dropped it when at a banquet, and he picked it up, meaning to return it to her. But now, he was staining it with his own blood. The pure, white scarf was turning redder and redder as it soaked up his life. It would never be this white again.

Just as he knew Relena would never be as pure or innocent as she had been before they met on that damned beach. He was staining her, tainting her white soul with bloodshed and pain.

He smirked at these thoughts.

"I can be such a fucking poet when I want to be."

~*~

Duo was worried. Heero never used to do things like punch holes in walls before...he kept to throwing things out the windows. Something really major was pissing his new found friend off, and he had to figure out what quick. Before Heero killed anyone else who didn't deserve it.

The Gundam Pilot shivered involuntarily at the thought. 'I don't want to die, at least not by Heero's hands...I don't want to die, I don't want to die...' he repeated in his mind, walking over to the bloody hole in the wall.

Heero sure was strong. He had busted through wood paneling, dry wall, a wood stud, and made a crack, although hairline, in the concrete. Bits of flesh and blood was everywhere, skin hanging off the ragged bits of wood in strips from the Japanese boy's knuckles.

Duo's own hands started hurting at the thought and he had to look down at them to reassure himself. 'He lost an awful lot of blood...I hope he's okay. Maybe...' he began to think excitedly. 'Maybe he passed out! Then I can look at his hand and bandage it without having to fight him...I'll go check!'

Gung-ho and ready to go, Duo strode confidently towards Heero's door, following the large drops of blood slowly drying on the floor, but avoiding them nonetheless. Pausing, his logic hit him. This _was_ Heero who had just punched a hole in the wall. He didn't show any signs of pain, just said that he was fine and went to his room, slamming the door. He had strength left to slam the door with his hurt arm hard enough to shake the house. 

And Duo was hoping he had passed out from blood loss.

Right.

"Uh...Heero?" Duo timidly called, knocking lightly on the door.

Silence.

'Alright, one more knock, then I go in...right?'

Before Duo's knuckles got close, an irritated yell from Heero was heard. The choke in the Japanese boy's voice almost made it sound like he was crying, but Duo knew better. 'Heero's not human enough to cry.'

"What, baka?"

~*~

Heero hurriedly wiped away the tears streaming down his face, mixing the salty droplets with his blood as they hit the table, swirling together. Not hearing a response from his fellow Gundam Pilot, he repeated his question, this time, even more annoyed, but voice cracking as he choked on tears. "What...baka?"

'I can't let him see me crying...I'm the Perfect Soldier, soldiers don't cry...I don't have emotions, I'm a machine, trained to kill, not live. I live to kill, and kill to live. I don't live to live.' he repeated this mantra in his head, trying to regain his composure, but for some reason, he just couldn't stop the tears. 'I'm the Perfect Soldier, I don't have emotions, I'm a machine, trained to kill, not--'

"Heero? Are you alright? Do you need anything? Should I get Quatre here so he can take a look at your hand?"

The Japanese boy growled dangerously, emotions he wasn't supposed to have swimming and confusing him. "Dr. J..." he whispered, sniffling loudly and wiping away more tears with his injured hand, spreading blood all over his face. "You failed. You failed, you got it! You didn't kill me! Why couldn't you kill me? You failed, you heartless bastard!" he ended, shouting at the top of his lungs. He looked down at his hand and the scarf wrapped around it, and clenched his teeth, angry at himself for crying, and angry at Dr. J for letting him know how to cry. He opened his eyes, jaw set, and looked to the sky, mouth upturned in a furious frown. His vision was blurred with a mixture of tears and blood, enough to where when he glanced over a mirror, it looked like he was crying blood. 'Just like those damned statues...the Virgin Mary...But I'm the farthest thing from being holy.'

"Heero?"

'And him...he's so religious, always wearing that fucking cross around his neck...what does he have to worship? A god that doesn't take away the pain, a god who allows him to suffer with the torture of watching everyone he loves die? A god who doesn't put him out of his misery? Life is misery, isn't it? Well then why the hell do I keep living it?'

Heero closed his eyes again, blood tears streaming down and staining his tank top and dull brown color. The mantra returned, chanting in his head over and over, getting louder each time...

I am the Perfect Soldier.

I don't have emotions.

I'm a machine.

Trained to kill.

Not live.

I live to kill.

And kill to live.

I don't live to live.

He opened his eyes one last time, seeing only the scarf, completely red, wrapped around his still bleeding knuckles. 

And, before he passed out, as Duo had hoped, from blood loss, he realized why he kept on living.

'I don't live to kill, or kill to live.

I live...

For her.

For Relena.'

~*~

"Heero? Are you alive in there?" Duo called, hand reaching for the handle. 'Please be alive...but please don't have a gun with you...' Finally getting up the nerve, he walked in, ducking and rolling as soon as the door opened all the way. He stood up with his back to the unconscious Heero, who was still sitting at his desk, and scanned the room with his eyes, looking like a very paranoid cat who knew there was a dog nearby. Not seeing Heero, he reached behind him and pulled out the chair to the desk, which still had Heero in it, and jumped back as the pilot fell from his seat, hitting the floor with a resounding thump and splat as his injured hand smacked the wood. 

Hopping forward and crouching by his friend, he turned him over and noticed the blood smeared all over his face and shirt, and rapidly divested him of the upper half of his clothing, searching for any sign of another injury. Not finding anything but his hand, he picked up the boy and laid him on his bed, and started cleaning him up. First his chest, which was splattered with blood every so often, then his face, which had one big smear going from his right eyebrow to his left earlobe, all the way down his nose. Finishing with the easy stuff, he reached over and picked up Heero's torn up hand, still wrapped in the now not recognizable scarf, and started analyzing it. Realizing the scarf is what kept the blood clots together and was what prevented further blood loss, he left it there, and turned to inspect Heero's stitching job.

"Not bad for someone who hasn't really sewn before."

"Not once."

Duo fell off the bed as the unconscious Heero answered, smacking his butt down hard. "Heero, are you awake? Ow...." he asked, rubbing his sore rear and standing up, leaning over. 

All he saw was Heero sound asleep, snoring quietly, with the scarf clutched firmly between his two hands as they were pressed together in prayer. Or so it looked.

And two blood red tears were streaming down his cheeks. 

'The Virgin Mary...'

One word was on Heero's lips as he sighed in his sleep. "Relena..."

-Owari

Thoughts? Questions? Comments? Just plain love it? REVIEW! Can't stress it enough! I am very insecure about this fic, I want to know what you guys think...Flamers, beware...If you feel the need to flame, be mature enough to leave your email or a way for me to contact you...take responsibility, come on, people. Anyway...*grins* Uh, yeah that's it!

Duo: You...done talking?

Me: *nods* Is that so hard to believe?

Duo: ::thinks, 'And I thought it was hard to shut me up...'::

Me: *scowls* I can hear that, you know I'm an authoress...and you know authoresses have MAGIC powers...

Duo: *remembers last night* ::COUGHCOUGH:: Oh yeah...

Me: *pounces* Bye!


End file.
